Don't scream anymore my love...

Well I'm bored as hell...and have been ABANDONED for ohio. It kinda hurts =( You haven't been on in a while i know. We are the only ones left, can you believe that? Everybody stopped using this thing, what a trend.

Tomorrow is 2 yrs and 7 months. I'm happy about that. And on the 8th it will be 5 months, oh my its almost been half a year!

Maybe we can start using this again?

I feel alone.

I don't want to go to New York.

Are you going to be alone?

Would you come and check this without me hinting it?

We will see.

I'M BACK! WTF? I got a mac =) Happy jean? Oh yeah 2/8/08 marked a huge day.

I got ditched for work when i finally get my ass online ;_;

I'm so hurt.

^_^ <3

=) I told you, you die when I'm not around. Yeah I rock like that. But yeah I spoke to meh dad, he says he is leaving on wednesday and is leaving for like 20 days. He is actually packing, and got his mom a present when he see's her. Now to wait and see.

I'm sending you text as I write this. So you should know at what time I am doing this.

I am glad I was able to be home today, I really needed it.

I can't wait til later on when we are going to get on eachothers thing, it should be fun, lol hate mail for people XD kidding, kidding...I'm not THAT bad, I don't think =)

I can't wait for this weekend, it will be the best, and you know what? We fucking deserve it!!! Unlike some damn people, God ungrateful bastards, the whole lot of them I swear, and that is like basically every person BREATHING.

I'm here waiting for you...Are you going to be active now since I'm back? >)

I'd delete my last post but i'm not going to hide it from you...i over reacted...i'm sorry. Please don't be mad. I just didn't know what to think, and no i wasn't trying to get you back or trying to snoop. I know you were gonna get on mine...so i got on yours too, but think of it like on my side; i told you i got rid of it, you get on mine and see it? Wouldn't you be a bit upset? I'm really sorry...

Love you...don't hate me =( I had such a good day and been so happy as of late...i waited an hour for a reason...=(

My laptop isn't working, isn't the wonderful? So i haven't posted in a while...

Here i was going to rant on about how a great day today was and how happy i am and such...yeah not anymore.

I feel angry right now and trying to figure out if i should feel betrayed and lied to, AGAIN.

I'm not jealous enough? Well here is the freaking jealousy. I can't believe this, I'm wondering if i should expect a message saying hey baby or some garbage like that.

Dirty feeling anyone? ME! At this point, I regret everything.

AH! It officially closed today at 8 pm. Pissed me off, i thought it would close at like 12, and i had a few people just putting in their votes and it told us it had just stop taking votes! SO MAD. But whatever. I'm really hoping this works out. AAAHHH I'm rooting for you!

Yea losers, I'm the number one fan. <3

I love you.

Saturday was love, today was love with rocks but decisions made together. <3

Today has far by been the worst anticipated day ever. I was so excited since i woke up for such a horrible day. Hardly anything went right, and if it did, it didn't for very long. I want to sleep and just live in my dream and not come back any face any more letdowns in this life.

I wonder how many times i've bitched and moaned in this journal, and then happy times... then i will put together a ratio and cry myself to sleep.

I'm fucking tired.

I updated first. I win. Yay. <3

Well this year, for certain has been different from every other year. No other year has had near as many experiences as this one.

I did the best thing in my life in 2005 from the stupidest thing in my life. And from there, one day later to be exact, I had a new experience, and the next day, a brand new life blossomed. I then ended 2005 and started 2006 almost a month into that new life.

2006 was an interesting year to say the least. It started off so strong and amazing...and I treasure the first eight months like no one would believe. So many firsts, and things that opened my eyes, made me smile, made me real. It made me genuinely happy. There were the little rocks in between but it was gotten over so strongly. I hold on to those memories...maybe that isn't a good thing? Since I base everything off that, but it was just something that I love so much, something I wish to have again...do you blame me?

There was growth, and trust being established. So many new levels were hit, and there is just no complaints, well only one, a little annoyance that kept popping up out of no where. But none the less this annoyance had no power over this and it puts a grin on my face.

The next periods of time were not terrible and not something that I remember and treasure and such, but it was a lot more powerful. From September to now, more rocks showed up, and it has been a never ending bumpy road. So many troubles and things surfaced, emotions rising, hearts breaking... It was just very stressful. None the less through this whole mess, lessons were learned and there were things that made me happen and I will always remember, these bumps though, I believe are just stepping stones for a much bigger pond (eh pun) that will happen and the lessons have to be learned now for the preparation of the bigger splash in store. (Damn puns)

All the rocks and such have been hard, but we have lived through it, and we are stronger and I hope/believe we will work through this now.

And now starts 2007...a nice smooth start, waking up to a great sight at one in the morning. And spending the third new years together, such a smile on my face. I just wish in this year, that we can re-live/ have more great times like the first eight months of last year. I want these next eight months to be amazing just like the last years, but last for the whole year.

Now starts a new year, a new chapter, the extension of the puzzle.

I told you I'd do this.

LIAR! You did not do the recap of 06!!! meh well im too lazy too.

It had its ups and downs, but I'm glad we ended it on a good note, and another year together since my freshman year <3.

Tomorrow is going to be the 3rd year straight, we have spent New years eve together =) 3 years, it is amazing isn't it? Though that first year we had only met a few months before.

That doesn't matter though, we still have that FAMOUS picture of ours =) Yeah no girl had a chance with that. >)

I can't wait.

AND AND AND, I love my DS my little business head got for me =)

Another year with you <3.

I am waiting for sleeping beauty to wake up...

Things have been talked over, again again again again again and finally once again again.

I hope this time things are different. I feel really content.

I'm still kinda confused about myself, have I changed for the worst?

When did I get pulled out from the back? I was the quiet one in the back and now I'm up front with all eyes on me.

From rebellious to calm. I know I still am at times, but I'm not really anymore and I dunno if that is good or bad. I kinda lost the trait that got me this penguin...

Stress has been brought up, I will try and not be so stressed but it won't be easy with our difficulties and the constant pains and such I have to deal with, bare with me.

I hope everything will be okay again, I know we can't go back to the past, we can go down memory lane, but i'd like to believe we will be on a similar great track from before.

My heart was broken, there was too many holes and blows to it, the little thing didn't have a chance. It put up a great fight, after months and months it only broke that day I ran away, and after that day it stood there with cracks all over ready to break. Next incident of course it broke. But now that it is broken can you please help me mend it? We need to start over, no, don't ask my last name =) but let us learn from our stubborn pushing to keep going and that everything will be fine, lets stop and slowly work on this by starting back at the beginning so we can fix my damages and get right back to where we were before things fell apart, and go farther down the road.

I can't wait. I am content right now.

I'm torn apart again.

Only one difference now; I already hit my breaking point before...so now I really went over the edge. A part of me is dead, just dead. That hole in my heart, it's going to need more then a band-aid to heal. Like on 666, when trust shattered, so did my heart today.

I do feel restricted and confused. I don't know what I can and cannot say anymore without causing some type of shit. That feeling that I can say ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, is really strained. I feel as if I open my mouth I'm going to set myself up again.

There is too much jealousy and hate. I truly and utterly believe that is what has torn at this so much. I feel separated, there is venom in-between our ground. I feel a good few miles apart. The more I try to venture closer, I seem to get hurt, over and over and over. I think I'm going to die mysteriously one day from too much poison in my bloodstream, or from grief, which ever. At this rate, I feel that is all I am worthy of.

If I were to give up EVERYTHING, would things be okay again? If I started over, erased everyone and become completely uncivil and end up with a shit load or drama and problems, would I finally not be against you? I do believe that you think I am against you. I can't even describe how deep that cuts, I've given so much to just be SPAT on and told, that I am a backstabber and you've been on your own receiving my low blows I am dealing in honor of other people. I am a puppet again aren't I? Why can't I just be my own person?

I came so close to wanting to throw up, I felt sick. I know better though, I made a promise. So I kept everything in, cause I know if it were broken I would just fall apart... Before all this hate and jealousy with the people around us... everything was amazing...I felt like I deserved good things out of life. I feel like I deserve nothing now, I deserve pain and sadness. There are so many downs now, it isn't even funny. The days of happiness, are now being eclipsed by all the days of sadness. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I can't take anymore sadness...in order to get rid of the sadness if I have to give up happiness, at this point, I am considering it. After this entry, unless proved otherwise, I am closing myself off. I want this breakdown, these tears, to be my last for a long time, instead of two days.

The worst part is the regret involved...because when these things happen, I start to regret so much...

I don't see...why the time to make things better or think that maybe what was said or done has to be already at the point you stabbed me. Everything is ok til I cry or sob or go in hysterics, then is when my feelings come into play; once you hurt me enough to a point I can hardly carry myself, is when you decide to ease up a bit, and out of no where decide maybe what was done wasn't right and it's time to say sorry. Only when I'm stabbed.

I don't even feel like I can explain myself, I try to, and everything gets turned around to center around your emotions and how you feel and all these out of the blue things that weren't there before. It's when I'm ripped apart and it seems to get to you that you can see the damage that I should stop feeling that bad cause suddenly I don't know what I did to you. Let us stop hurting you and trying to explain why you are so hurt, and show her that I am the one who has it worse, and forget all about what she said and take the focus off her. I get hurt so ridiculously easy...Maybe I am too dependent. I'm thinking I am going to try and stand a bit on my own.

I am always pinned as liking someone more or being too close to other people, when that is so far from true! Why can't I just want to be in peace? Why can't I don't want shit with people it it is avoidable? It should be known where my alliance stands, but when it suits your negative thoughts that pin me as a traitor, all of a sudden my alliance in your eyes is changed. STOP DOUBTING ME. You DON'T trust me. I guess you don't understand me...that kills.

I can only take so much pain...I don't want to grow older. I take it back when I said I want to continue on with this, and grow older. I don't want to. I WANT TO GO BACK. I don't want to continue on with another second. I want to go back to when things were good, and happy, and my heart didn't feel like it was slowly being killed and just relive that past, over and over and over. Go back to the first months...Everything before September. I want to stop right before all the problems, and start at the beginning all over again and never continue on with anymore. I don't know how much more I can carry on with. So much sadness in this isn't healthy...And I keep hearing that if there is sadness, don't try and carry on, just end it. I can't. I don't want to. But I don't know if I believe anymore, that it can be proved that there were problems in it, but we could overcome it and prove the odds wrong, that it isn't a waste of time, all you need it patience. I'm losing faith...Do you blame me? Can you help me keep faith in everything? They say that stress is a co-founder of gaining weight...I'm starting to believe this cause every since September my weight hasn't been great and I've been the most stressed then and I do feel as if I've only gotten worse...

I just feel like crying into oblivion...I cried since the click. I heard anger and annoyance and it cut me down. Before all the worry of control and such...I think there was less of it. Now with the worry, I think there is more of it. That constant fear you are trying to avoid, is coming alive since you are really letting yourself worry and such about it.

I love my brother...he see's me cry and rushes to my aid. His loving heart makes me smile. I feel bad lying to him that I hurt my foot and that's why I cry. But it makes me feel better that I can hold onto someone and just cry and feel like someone cares and won't try and fight with me, or change things around...just hold me and want me to be better. He drives me insane, yes, but his love is the only one that doesn't worry me that it will go wrong or won't last or anything...

I feel as if I lost everything right now, cause I feel like we are on two different fields completely and you don't even look at me the same way I look at you...and that my pain doesn't matter up until the point of breaking.

Why can't love be enough.... I don't know if waiting out for help is going to work. I want the help now... Why can't you just trust me? Why can't my intentions be true? Why don't you believe? Why do you have to side me with them? Why is me changing my life not enough to prove anything? Why is it, I have to erase everything for it to prove something? I would erase everything, and it should be known...but why does doing that prove it? Why can't the changes be enough...why does the extreme only matter? Would it even prove anything if I did it? I would do it in a heartbeat...but why can't you just believe in me...

I feel restricted, and I don't know who to turn to, I feel as if I can't say anything, and my brother is asleep so I have no one to cry to anymore, I'm alone and crying. I don't know what to do. I just want the sadness to go away and be happy again...

So you requested super heros so... imma say sorry but no go XD.

Lol you should have known.

You can be my superhero though, the anti hero is my hero <3.

My shoulder hurts and so does my throat =(

You came to me with a gerbil...LOL.

But yeah I am really bored...cause yeah I don't have the right company I need... I want it back.

Damn coffe place, bring snowman back, bring snowman back!!!

I wants my mocha frap!

I miss my mocha frap, damn.

Oh and today? Psh who cares, I only got this one thing on my mind.

PENGUIN

Cookie for Cris =)

Yay.

Yay for Yi..

>) Hehehe.